Your Guide to Tila Tequila’s Woke, New-Age Twitter Journey

This is Tila’s manifested universe, and we’re all just cloned souls living in it…

Remember former Playboy playmate/reality TV star/singer?/most popular person on Myspace Tila Tequila? You probably watched an episode or two of VH1’s “Shot at Love with Tila Tequila,” her mid-2000s bisexual dating show, right?

Yeah, well, that was the old Tila. She’s gone.

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Since then, a LOT of shit has gone down in the #TilaVerse. First of all, she claims to have died (seven times to be exact), but through death has spoken to God and been reborn as a literal cloned ARCHANGEL version of herself (she has blue wings), and has since manifested an entirely new, more positive universe (the one you and I are interacting in RIGHT NOW) and started Tweeting very literally non-stop, during all hours of the day and night (she eats sunlight and doesn’t sleep much?) about conspiracies, new-age spirituality, occultism, and her theories (AKA divine knowledge) about the strange dimension of being that we call life. Some think she’s suffering an Amanda Bynes-style Twitter-public breakdown. I get that and agree… except there might be more to this?

Her Twitter bio cheerfully reads “Verified housekeeper for the New World Order! For bookings contact: Tilahelp@gmail.com“, which is hilarious and the perfect introduction into the following hour of life you’ll undoubtedly spend scrolling through her Twitter feed.

She’s getting a lot of negative press at the moment for the GoFundMe page she created to raise money to rent a new apartment for her and her young daughter, because she’s a single mom and allegedly poor/homeless? and is forced to shop at Wal-Mart (note: she actually just surpassed her fundraising goal, despite a lot of vitriol being spewed her way from, as she describes, “ugly souls” and “heathens” who are jealous and projecting).

You may have also seen her name in the news recently due to an ongoing, months-long Twitter rampage she’s been on in support of the #FlatEarth theory:

Flat Earth theory argues the invalidity of scientific evidence about the Earth being a sphere, and therefore proposes that Earth is actually–you guessed it–flat. Some scientists and publications have weighed in on this tirade, and she keeps trying to get NASA involved, but Tila stands strong regardless: anyone who opposes her viewpoint (which is also shared by a small community of people on the internet) is met with lots of cry-laughing emojis, LOLs, and requests to have someone send her into outer space so she can see the Earth’s alleged shape with her own eyes–but until then, it’s just heresy, mind-control, and CGI:

Oh, and in case you wondered:

Anyway, let’s get to the point: Tila choosing to triumph Flat Earth theory is only a tiny chard of what’s amazing and fascinating (and dare I say, enlightening?) about Tila’s Twitter. To start you off, here are some basic, established facts you should know about Tila and her theosophy:

  • Obviously Earth is flat.
  • Heaven and outer space are the same thing, but heaven is also a dimension in your mind.
  • She is a holy Goddess “alien Angel” sent by God.
  • She has mind-control powers, and is a mgical Feline Goddess whose soul reincarnated from the Sphinx.
  • She recently manifested the perfect husband, whose identity has yet to be revealed and has led to people speculating he’s not real. What we know is that he is Italian, may be a Martian, is elite and powerful, and Tila mind-controls him. They met in dreams.
  • She has a pretty funny, surprisingly self-aware sense of humor and Tweets about silly things like getting high off Mountain Dew from Wal-Mart, farting string cheese, feeling like a new woman after pooping, and informing NASA that a recent volcano eruption was made of her period blood.
  • She is basically a fucking oracle of mystical knowledge at this point, dropping nonstop references to everything from MK Ultra, String theory, indigo and crystal children, the Illuminati, different species of aliens (she was abducted by greys in 2009), Area 51, reptilian shapeshifters, orbs, robots/fembots, human microchips, DNA and intelligence upgrades, meditation, the Akashic records and so, so, so much more. Prepare yourself.

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And now, please fuck what I say–experience your own spiritual awakening through the *actual words* of alleged goddess/alien/angel Tila Tequila herself:

On Her power and purpose:

On becoming an angel clone version of herself:

On the universe:

On the virtually non-existent hours of the day that she’s doesn’t spend Tweeting:

On her manifested husband:

And when she’s not letting you know insider secrets about what it’s like to be a magical, intergalactic being whose been touched by God, she’s dropping knowledge on various other topics, i.e. …

On Tupac:

On Malaysian Airlines Flight 370:

On where the money she made while she was semi-famous went:

On Time:

On Fate:

On Reincarnation:

On the government:

On whether it’s possible to be “too woke”:

On money:

On psychology:

On mind control:

AND when she’s not dropping knowledge about various Earthly topics, she’s kindly sharing general facts about reality.

On the state of things in the #TilaVerse:

Now, a few words of advice for YOU on how to win at your current clone life:

All right, that’s all I can handle, everyone. Bye.  I’ll leave you with this:

!!POST SCRIPT!! Tila is Tweeting SO. FUCKING. MUCH. that since I went through her Tweets the other day to break things down for you (which took hours), there have literally been HUNDREDS (by the time you read this, likely THOUSANDS) of new Tweets posted on her account, so this info is by no means fully comprehensive, up-to-date, static, or guaranteed to be accurate. Stay woke.

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