Church of Santa: SANTAISM 101

The *true* meaning of Christmas.


He sees you when you’re sleeping,
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for “goodness’ sake.”

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Welcome to the Church of Santa. As you already know, Christmas is a special, sacred time where family and friends get into very good spirits during the darkest of seasons, comforted by the warmth of knowing that they’ll soon be receiving hoards of gifts from their loved ones. ‘Tis the season to spend much of your free time time in malls, scouring sale racks in corporate department stores, waiting in lines, maxing out credit cards, letting your children sit in the lap of a stranger for photographs that you’ll cherish for a lifetime, and more. It all culminates in the gathering together of family on the holy 25th of December to celebrate the visit from Santa that took place in your home the night before.

Here at the Church of Santa, we’d like to end the false and confusing notion that Christmas is the celebration of someone’s birthday (what?) or that it has anything to do with goodwill, charity, or other unexciting, boring, old, and tired values. We know that the TRUE culture of Christmas represents all that is considered holy in our nation— ❤consumerism❤ and the amassing of THINGS. It’s about cheaply made string lights, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, fake plastic trees, fake plastic Christmas trinkets made in China, and other treasured Santanic objects and symbols.

Thankfully, it’s easy to become a Santaist. Do you have the internet? Can you get yourself to a Wal-Mart or a mall? Do you live in the modern world and have familiarity with modern Christmas culture? You probably already are a Santaist!

The Mythology

Santa is an all-seeing man-being who takes the form of a fat old white man and watches children all year long from his toy manufacturing factory in the North Pole! He has thousands of “elves” working for him making toys all day long!!!! That’s all they do!!!! They love it!!!! Don’t worry about it!!!!

Every year, Santa makes a list and checks it twice to see who has been NAUGHTY OR NICE!!!!!! This motivates kids to FOLLOW ORDERS AND BE NICE!!!! But here’s the FUN part: Santaists know that it doesn’t actually matter if you’re naughty or nice! For Santa, naughty IS nice!!!!!!! Santa likes naughty too!!! That’s right: selfishness, greed, over-indulgence, conscious unawareness of global issues, exploitation of other beings, and more are things that Santa loves to see a good Santaist participating in. The myth about “naughty or nice” is only included in Santaism’s practices as a way to brainwash young children into adopting an extreme and polarized view of the world and abolish the idea that things exist on a spectrum! NO SPECTRUMS! It ultimately makes the populous easier to control, and it’s way easier to start wars that way, and wars mean money so we like them!!!!!!!! Thank you Santa!!!!!!

The season of Santaism begins right after Thanksgiving (a holiday of general over-indulgence) and Santa gets so excited by the Santanic values of Thanksgiving that we are then immediately blessed with the holy day BLACK FRIDAY where Santa first graces us with his Santastic magic and thus begins the Santanic season!!!!! His hymns are on the radio and we see apparitions of his physical being everywhere we turn!!!!!!!!! Acolytes are offering photographs in malls!!!!!!

Red and green are the official colors of Santaism!!!!! Red represents your red hot American blood! Green represents your $$$$$money$$$$$ (and the reptilian bodies beneath the skin of–I mean WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT??????).

During the Santastic season, many Santanic families adopt a ritual of bringing a tree indoors (by either buying one that was chopped down OR buying a fake one!) and hanging a bunch of holy trinkets from it–like candy canes, ornamentals, bows, shiny balls, etc. Families also hang colorful lights outside of their homes to notify Santa that Santaism is being practiced therein, in hopes that he will enter said homes bearing gifts. It is believed that the more Santastic items one purchases and displays, the more one’s devotion to Santanic ideals is proven and Santa will visit bearing more gifts, resulting in his disciples owning more things, which, obviously, results in more profound happiness and meaning in life for the disciple!!!

On Christmas Eve, December 24, Santa leaves the North Pole on his sleigh pulled by “reindeer” (don’t worry about them!!!!!!!!!!!) and delivers presents to children around the country and then we CELEBRATE!!!!!! And leave him cookies and milkkk!!!!! And worship him for the living breathing symbol of consumerism that he is!!!!!! And ever wonder why Christmas is every kid’s favorite day ever? Cause they’re Santaists!

~*SANTAIST MANIFESTO*~

  • SPEND MONEY!!!!!!!!!!
  • CONSUME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • EXPLOIT UNDERPAID LABORERS OVERSEAS AND SHOW OFF YOUR OWN WEALTH AT THE SAME TIME BY ONLY SHOWING YOUR LOVE FOR OTHERS THROUGH THE PURCHASING OF EXTRANEOUS GIFTS!!!!!!!!!!
  • SHOP AT WALMART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • BUY THINGS MADE OF PLASTIC!!!!!!!!!
  • TAKE OUT A CREDIT CARD TO BUY THE HOTTEST NEW ITEMS FOR OTHERS!!!!!!!!!!
  • BUY XXXMAS GIFTS FOR YOURSELF TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • OWN THE NEWEST IPHONE ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • BUY HOLIDAY DRINKS FROM CORPORATE COFFEE SHOPS!!!!!!!!!
  • DONATE A TOY FOR TOTS TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!
  • SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL MALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CORPORATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • SUPPORT PLANNED OBSOLESCENCE!!!!!!
  • BE NICE SO THAT SANTA WILL CUM INTO YOUR HOME AND BRING U GIFTS!!!!!!

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YOU PROBABLY KNOW MORE SANTAISTS THAN YOU THINK! ARE YOU ONE TOO? JOIN US! We are renaming Christmas XXXmas so as to not confuse anyone linguistically with the former Christ connection!!!! We’re here and very crystal clear!!!!!!!

❤WE LOVE U SANTA❤

SINCERELY,

YOUR FELLOW CHURCH OF SANTA MEMBERS

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GLOSSARY OF SANTANIC TERMS:

Santa: A mystical being who takes the physical form of a fat old white man who is worshipped and celebrated in North America and beyond during the Christmas season; also see consumerism, capitalism.

Santaism: the worship of Santa.

Santanic: of or pertaining to Santaism.

Santastic: possessing intense, fresh, and exciting Santanic vibes.

XXXmas: the Christmas holiday as acknowledged by Santaists.

Church: generally refers to a mall, department store, or other corporate shopping establishment.

ARE YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES PRACTICING SANTAISM THIS XXXMAS SEASON? Tag us in your most Santastic pixxx!!!! @RAINBOWGRAMS @RAINBOWGRAMS @RAINBOWGRAMS #SANTAISM #SANTAISM #SANTAISM

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4 Comments

  1. That Santa at the very top looks exactly like me!!

  2. this is EPIC. Sharing to the world now.

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