Make this Valentine’s Day one to remember (as in, not just another one you get black-out drunk trying to forget). <3
Valentine’s Day is disgustingly overrated, and I’ve traditionally celebrated by wearing all black, listening to Morrissey, and openly ignoring the person I’m dating. It’s usually also involved Chinese food and excess amounts of alcohol. But anyway, if you’re truly in LUV, then maybe you SHOULD celebrate Valentine’s Day! Here are some gift ideas that will make even the wishy-washiest of valentines into your love slaves:
Capture the romance of a suicidal teen crush by embroidering, puff painting, or otherwise permanently etching your loved ones name on a pair of your underwear (as well as your name on theirs, unless a one-sided thing is chill with you). Just make sure you don’t use something that will wash out and fade easily, like marker or blood–unless you want an authentic Virgin Suicides-esque permanent marker look (but take it from me: PERMANENT MARKER FADES FROM UNDERWEAR AS YOU WASH THEM).
And I know sexy lingerie is the stereotypical Valentine thing, but I really think a more full-coverage pair of underwear is best for this look (and it’s easier to write/paint/embroider on fabric that isn’t lace).
2. A Vial of Your Blood
This gorgeous, romantic idea dates back to Y2K, pre-Brangelina, when Angelina Jolie and then-husband Billy Bob Thornton wore vials of each other’s blood around their necks on the red carpet and such.
Actually jk, the idea of being romantically bound by blood goes back a lot further than that, but whatever. Anyway, you can make your own ~blood charms~ by buying a super legit blood vial charm kit like one of these (which come with jewelry, sterile medical tools for extracting blood, and an anti-coagulant so your blood doesn’t get gross over time!! For two!!!!!), or you can do it the old-fashioned way and buy some sturdy test-tube/vial type charms (a good selection here–go with the metal-capped ones that include a stopper for liquid), extract some blood by way of your choosing, and fill ‘er up (these are helpful for that possibly messy step). And honestly, don’t limit yourself to blood–other bodily fluids work too, I would guess. ENJOY THE EVERLASTING VAMPIRIC BIOHAZARDOUS ROMANCE!!!!
3. BFF Jewelry
If you and/or your S.O. are too fucking lame and square to appreciate the idea above, go for the fifth-grade-girl version and get BEST FRIEND jewelry! If you’re truly in love, a boyfriend or girlfriend is basically a best friend who you fuck, and so this is actually a sweet gesture to show your commitment to each other without like, going out and getting engaged and such. Claire’s Accessories has an extremely impressive assortment of BFF jewelry, and they even have BFF keychains and stuff like dat if your Valentine isn’t the jewelry-wearin’ type.
Another alternative is to take things to a totally freaky new level with something like a TWINS or other sibling-style BFF set, like the one below which I’m currently sharing with my boyfriend. It makes people uncomfortable and confused, and this one (also from Claire’s Accessories) is mood-changing to boot.
3. A Personalized Pizza
There is a third party in my current relationship. A third party that’s regularly involved in almost everything we do. A third party that my boyfriend probably loves more than he loves me. That third party is pizza. I think that’s true of most relationships I’ve encountered in my life: polyamorous with pizza. That said, you can imagine why doing cute, love-related things with pizza is always 100% a great idea. Some pizza places will (at least attempt to) make your pizza in the shape of a heart, which is cute and sweet and helllza romantic:
Anyway, another idea is to forget the pizza shape and instead make the TOPPINGS SPELL SOMETHING ROMANTIC! Like… your initials, or “Eat Me,” or something empowering and sexy like that. I personally don’t know of any pizza places that I would trust with a relationship MAKE-OR-BREAK task of THIS degree, so I’d recommend going the homemade route for this option. Plus then, you’re sure not to feel self-conscious and creatively stifled wondering what the cooks think about you requesting to have “Let’s Fuck” written out in olives on top of your pizza.
4. Hair jewelry and/or accessories
I don’t mean jewelry and accessories for hair, I mean jewelry and accessories made of hair. First idea is SO easy: cut off a little chunk of your hair, tie a teeny tiny bow on it, put it in a little glass bottle, and give it to the object of your affection.
Looking for something more complex? Make rings out of both your hairs COMBINED. Rookie has an awesome DIY on how to make this style of hair jewelry…
…except that if this is going to be a surprise, then you better start collecting hairs in secret, PRONTO. Here are some tips from one psycho to another:
If you’re in a pinch, obviously pulling hair out of a hair brush or comb will be the easiest route, although less so for short-haired folks (though not impossible). Another far more disgusting option is the shower wall or drain. There are bound to be hairs in there, but they’re also wet and gross and disgusting, so dry them out. A last-ditch option–which could result in disaster–is violating your partner’s space completely and actually cutting chunks out of their hair while they’re sleeping. I absolve myself of all responsibility if this goes sour, but after seeing a sweet piece of hair jewelry they *might* forgive you.
If you didn’t wait til the last second (i.e. when I posted this list of ideas), you should just start patiently scouring pillowcases and sheets for hairs, or casually running your fingers through your partner’s hair and making him or her think it’s for romance’s sake when really you’re just secretly collecting.
Sorry not sorry, BODY PARTS ARE REALLY ROMANTIC, OKAY? That’s, like, the beauty of being in love… that all that gross hair and saliva and secretions and sweat are actually attractive in some outrageous way because you’re blinded by hormones and your innate urge to reproduce, DUH. So anyway, teeth are powerful symbols and metaphors for all kindza crazy, personal shit. Like, everyone has had a weird nightmare about losing a tooth, or having a loose tooth, or getting one pulled or whatever, ya dig? So giving your beloved betrothed bedazzled Valentine a tooth as a gift is super vulnerable and genuine and sexy, ya know? What’s also SO special and deep about teeth is that they’re vvvv limited edition cause you only have so many to spare.
So here’s the plan: if you hoarded your baby teeth as a child because you were overly-sentimental (just me?), those are a REALLY sweet gift, and you can do what I’ve done in the past and put them in a cute little velvety ring box, like “haha it’s a ring um HEAVY STUFF oh surprise no it’s just my rotted baby teeth.” If you’re not into acting out issues from your childhood in your current relationship, how about a wisdom tooth? Did you save one of those? If none of the above are working out, look into having a back tooth extracted to show how devoted you are to making this Valentine’s Day work out.
6. Children’s toys
Been to Toys R’ Us lately? Cool, cause you should, because it’s the most magical fucking place in the entire world (look forward to an upcoming Rainbow Kiss article on this very matter). There’s a reason that kids get to have important things like “play time” and “make learning fun” and “make everything fun” because everything kids get to have is FUN. Some of the best gifts I’ve ever bought my boyfriends are kid’s toys, specifically those that create magical sensory experiences best enjoyed during or after an herbal refreshment. Here are some romantic purchases I’ve made through the years:
Weird beat-detecting toys like this one, that light-up or dance to music:
Glow-in-the-dark stars, obviously:
And after you write a message in stars, you can hang these planets up too and dress like an astronaut and omg SO CUTE:
Basically get your ass to Toys R Us.
7. Magickal Love Candles
Many occult and new age stores have some cool DIY areas where you can create your own herbal blends, potions, and candles infused with your personal ~love related~ intentions. Whether you believe in magic or not, you have to admit, this makes for a dope-ass two-part Valentine’s date: a fun go-out-and-do-something-in-the-light-of-day activity (putting together the candle) as well as a fun go-home-and-be-romantic-in-candlelight activity (lighting the candle). So stop being shut-ins and do yourselves a favor and visit your local witch store as a couple and make a fun love candle! Usually there are different oils, dried herbs, glitters, and little stones that represent different things, and you can use them to anoint your candle. You guys should show up with some hella sweet intentions in mind for your relationship so that you’re on a blissful path of romance when you go and get down to magickal business. And maybe pick up a few rose quartz or rhodochrosite pieces while you’re at it.
8. (More Than) Friendship Bracelets
Sort of like the BFF jewelry, but actually more sweet and way more artisanal. Embroidery thread is cheap, and friendship bracelets are pretty easy to make. There are lotsa tutorials online, but if you’re new to this business, just choose a super-simple one and sit and make them together. I always like it when each person chooses their own colors, cause what if my BF chose some ugly ass colors? That said, you guys should still make them for each other, cause otherwise this would be kind of meaningless. Making them will give you time to talk, watch each other struggle with strings, and at the end you’ll be able to tie some cute handmade bracelets onto each others wrists, which is like, so romantic. Just don’t get all superstitious when it falls off and think your relationship is going to end–YOU GUYS ARE STRONGER THAN FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS!!!! (Repeat and take deep breaths!!!!!) (Never doing this again!!!!!)
Of course, you say. This is typical, you say. Well TAKE SHIT TO THE NEXT LEVEL, DUDES. GET. ON. THIS. LEVEL. What kind of dessert does your BF or GF love? OK, do that, but make or buy a TON of them. The path of excess leads to the palace of wisdom, which I’m pretty sure just means America is terrible, but either way sugar is like crack, and being in love is also like crack, so it’s all one big altered mindstate So like, here’s the deal: if your partner’s fave dessert is oatmeal cookies, ew, break up with them! Just kidding, bake like 20 GIANT ONES in cake tins! It will be amazing! Or bake like literally 100 regular sizes ones and pile them in a huge excessive stack! If there’s a certain candy your partner loves, buy a shit ton of packs of it, and then buy a giant jar, and then FILL THE JAR WITH ALL THOSE CANDIES! It will be hilarious, delicious, and here in the first world the best way to show your love is through excessive things that lead to waste, making this the most romantic gift ever.
10. A Song
QUESTION: Are you a musician of any sort?
If NO, collect nothing and move to idea #12.
If YES, new question: Have you written your Valentine a song before? If the answer is no, OK, seriously get your fucking act together and write your crush/lover/object of affection a song immediately. There is nothing more obnoxious than dating a musician who hasn’t written you a god damn song. It doesn’t have to be super serious and heavy, OK? In fact, DON’T EVER do that. Your S.O. might hate it, so please don’t write some mushy, fucked-up, emo love song. Just write a fun, cute, light-hearted song about the things you love about that person or a funny experience you’ve had together. Make it short and simple and easy. Even the most basic power chords with a silly short poem of lyrics will make your S.O. well up with happiness and be the best gift ever in the world and they’ll remember it and cry and feel sick forever after you break up but still love it. Play it for them in any setting you think best–maybe during a fun time at home, but if your instrument is portable, you could do it in a park and have a super rom-com moment.
11. A music video
Open your iMac. Start Photobooth. Choose a fun, dance-able song that’s about love that you can dedicate to your S.O. and choreograph a lip synch or sing-a-long video!!! Grab some fun props that are symbolic to your relationship. Like, for mine, it would be a pizza (obvs), vegan candy, a couple stuffed animals, and telephones to represent our formerly long-distance relationship. Record a very personal and genuine performance of the song on your computer. Don’t make it ironic and a total joke, though! It’s fine to insert some humor in there, but have fun being vulnerable on video for your loved one. They will love it. Seriously, If you need inspo, see patron saint Molly Soda:
OK, I’m down as FUCK with tacky tattoos of your lover’s name, although it’s probably the worst idea in history. I mostly like it because I have such admirable, long-lasting examples to look to:
So yes, if you’re a manic, unstable, spontaneous psycho willing to make a rash and permanent decision, please do it, and then also start a friendship with me. I love you. But if you’re a regular partially-sane person on the other hand, do the ~impermanent~ (as is life) version of this fun activity using HENNA, duh! Go out and grab a box, mix dat shit up, and decorate each other with whatever Valentine-esque things you want. Definitely henna each other’s butts or other generally well-hidden areas, since that’s more romantic. I’d do each other’s names, too, for sure (see pic above). Also, you could play a fun game where you each draw something on each other that’s a total SURPRISE. It’s like a fun little trust activity, where you might end up with a huge penis henna-inked on your forearm and then have to end the relationship and wear long sleeves to work and shower twice a day for the next month or so. But really doesn’t that sound kind of fun?
13. Stuffed animals
This is so typical, barf, right? But as you may know, I have a MAJOR SOFT SPOT FOR STUFFED ANIMALS, i.e. the cutest, creepiest, cuddliest, and comfort-est toys on Earth.
But I didn’t think I needed to be a basic-ass bxtch and add stuffed animals to the Valentine’s list until the other night, while in a sports bar with a friend (please don’t ask no I don’t watch sports ugh). There were about 40 giant TV screens in my field of vision, eating away at my soul, when suddenly this shocking, uncomfortable, highly-sexually-charged infomercial for a giant teddy bear lit up the many screens (and my whole heart):